Garald is angry.
Let's start over, it's a good thing I'm still pissed.
First off, I'm a fucking idiot. I'm the king of idiots. I'm the most moronic person who has ever walked the face of the planet!!!!! Yes, all you Catholics, Baptists, Jews, and other christianity related freaks are a close fucking second to how utterly stupid I am. That's right, hit your fucking knees because your new messiah has come.
It's funny, I've had this stupid thing for two days and it's already become a crutch. Normally I just pick a random name in my address book and subject them to my ramblings, but this is much more satisfying, disseminating my verbal vomit to the un-named mob.
Okay, it's like this. You see this stupid kid with a paper clip about to stick the little fucker into a 220 wall outlet. You're like 'Kid, don't do that! You'll get electrocuted!' And of course, the kid (me, in this example) is like 'Fuck you, I've done this before and know how bad this hurts.' Followed, of course, by a ZAAAAP and an obligatory howl of pain.
I'm not willing to admit to the full breadth of my stupidity just yet, but let me assure you, it's titanic.
Let's sum up what needs to happen in a few simple concepts:
1. I need to get laid.
2. I need to find a girl who appreciates the nuances of my personality while enjoying someone who is kind to them.
3. I need someone to stick me in the fucking head with a cattle prod.
4. I need to realize the only way #1 is going to happen is if I throw my morals and ideals to the wind and bang this cocktail waitress that's been chasing me. (or go to NY heh)
5. I need to realize that 2 and 3 won't happen in this reality. (maybe if I become insane and dream number 2 up. She'll be my imaginary friend and we'll get along great, it'll be perfect.)
6. I need to get my colon cleaned.
Okay, so maybe someone will actually stick me in the head with a cattle prod. Wouldn't really surprise me. I go to work in three hours. Have I slept? Of course not.
Now, have you ever dreamed of running through a crowded mall in nothing but chaps? Can you imagine the utter shame and embarrassment you'd likely feel if you were to do something like this? Okay well, maybe not, but you people are a bunch of freaks. I'm removing all my mirrors because I can't look at myself anymore.
If any of you see me crossing a street, run me over. Please.
Alright I'm going to go do some laundry, curl up in bed, and cry for an hour or two. Tootles.
-Garald