Her disappointment is my failure.
So, anyway� I�ve been having some interesting dreams lately, I contribute most to my photo shoot with Lynda on Sunday. Those damned crows and the sound of their wings cutting through the air. I can�t tell you how needed that shoot was. Even though my main focus right now is solitude, the lonely existence we all must endure, it was wonderful. I need to go through more of the images. Lynda is wonderful, though.. her face strikes a chord that resonates deeply. Even now I�m haunted by glimpses of that soft and beautiful face amongst the misery that is happy land. Her beauty is so obvious that anyone will be able to recognize it. It�s almost a shame, I think I�d like to be able to hold that perception as my own in some ways, call it greed if you will. I still have the little things that escape all but the most observant. I still remember my enrapture at the cascade of light resulting in a semi-tarnished serving dish reflecting the soft bluish spot lights illuminating the setting at Drei�s, everyone so caught in gossip and prose, I was lost in the fathomless shapes cast upon the surroundings.. I still have those moments, those are mine and few else�s. The alabaster beauty of Lynda is there for the world to soak in.
On an unrelated subject� I�ve found how good some of my friends really are and how terrible even others can be. My humble request that a particular person remove herself from my mind has been fulfilled in a most unpleasant and painful way, more painful then I can admit. It was nice, in a way, to dwell on her face� to have my mind�s eye focused so intently upon her sublime nature. But alas, the house of cards has fallen, the illusion has faded, leaving behind an all too human person. Pity. I glimpsed the future and was ultimately reminded all too cruelly of the present. Yes, I�m paying attention.
How I miss being in love.
The wine speaks within me, my head lolls to the side in a din of recognition of past experiences. No, I�ll still fight, even if it may be half hearted and detached, I�ll still rage against the fallacy we sell wholesale. I�ll take small time outs now and then to reflect upon the true nature of things, but I must not allow the time necessary to fully realize all, that would invite disaster and destruction the likes that I�m not prepared for, and not that I�m not prepared, that I don�t have the time for. My breakdown is looming on the horizon so I must keep myself moving and busy, avoiding the superlative value of self destruction. I stave off the immolation that is surely to come if only I�d pause for a moment and let the ensuing inferno ravage me. I�m not the only one, my life is meaningless except for that of someone else. My life is not mine to throw away or give into the darkness and fire.
So I will continue in this state of limbo until I finally burn out and drop out and give everything up. Continuing to strive and fight, not so much out of desire but out of habit and obligation to another. Remove that and all that I am collapses and fully am I consumed by the overwhelming burden of existence. Yet I feel remorse for those who do not know this pain. Woe to the person who does not feel the burden of existence, who does not cry out to staunch this infernal pain.
I go now to dream again of soft kisses and desires unrequited. Of love unadorned with human frailty and beautiful alabaster faces in dark places.
-G