Hrm, an interesting problem (?) that Richard and I discovered today. I�m, typically, a logic driven person but hrm, we�ve found something that defies a certain amount of logic. I�m not so sure, yet, but we�ll see.

You see, it wouldn�t bother him if I were to date someone he had been involved with in the past (shut up), or wanted to be involved with in the future. For instance, let�s say this girl. We�ll call her, I dunno, Eve. Let�s say he really likes Eve but, for whatever reason, they don�t end up dating. If I were to hook up with Eve, he�d be perfectly fine with that.

Now, I�d like to SAY I�d be perfectly fine with that. You know, it�s her choice. You can�t argue with it and you can�t be upset that she didn�t choose you. Just move on, big deal, right? We have all been rejected at some point and time, of course it doesn�t exactly /feel/ good but you can�t hold it against anyone anymore then you could if she went on to date JoeBob asshole, down the street. Least you know she�s getting a decent guy.

Now, I could give a shit if Richard, Nick, or even Tallguy were to date anyone I�ve dated in the past (Sans Susan, but that�s a huge can of worms), and since I don�t have anyone I�m currently interested in, I can�t really comment on that, however.. let�s get to the problem.

Eh.. Okay, let�s take ____, ____ and I have a strange relationship. She�s the type of girl who I could, one day, fall hopelessly in love with, given certain circumstances. _____ can basically date whoever and it doesn�t bother me at all, we�re just really good friends with a slight bit of strange tension at times. However, if ____ were to date any of my close friends, Richard, Nick, etc., I�d have a SEVERE problem with that. In fact, it would go so far as to likely end my friendship with her.

I�m trying to figure out why. On the surface, that stance is illogical, but I wonder if I�m using a different logic in this equation? I, normally, know why I feel the way I do on pretty much everything (read: I build purdy castles of sand). But I can�t quite pin the motivation for this stance down.

I�ve thought about from a couple different points of view. I wondered if I were maybe putting her on too high of a pedestal making her un-obtainable? (Appended note: This pedestal thing was probably true for a short time, my moment of insecurity and stupidity before I came to my senses) So if she were to date a peer, that would remove her from that pedestal and make her reason for not dating me, to be specifically about me. Whoa, that�s a scary one. I hope that�s not true. I don�t think so because she�s dated some real world class scum bags and that didn�t bother me. I just thought she was being stupid :P. But maybe that�s me making excuses for that? But wouldn�t that still cause jealousy and resentment if the above were true?

Hmm.. I�m not sure about that one. IF that were true, I�d pretty much take the crown as one of the most vain bastards on the face of the earth and all of my friends should hate me. You know, because I�d think that I was inherently more desirable then my close friends and if she were to choose them over me� yeah, well.. you see where it�s going. God, that�s horrible. I feel as if I�m a good catch, I certainly don�t feel as if I�m the best. Some people can offer things differently then others, it�s a matter of taste really.

So I want to explore that line of thinking a bit just because I�m afraid of it, you know.. the whole �face your fears� shit. Let�s understand something, Richard. Do I feel superior to Richard? No. In fact, I really feel like my friendship with Richard is pretty damned equitable. At heart and core we�re a lot alike, we just get there at slightly different ways some times. (oh and he�s a sourpuss! :P)

But yet, it would seriously fuck with me to see ____ and Richard hooking up.

Okay so let�s try a different tact, could it be a betrayal of trust? So I�m putting myself through this, imagining the whole thing as if it were to really happen, inspiring the emotions it would trigger. Hmm, hurt and a sense of betrayal. Now, what about this, and this may be going out on a limb here but fuck it, perhaps that, some how, I feel that I�ve established my future interest in her given a pretty specific set of circumstances were to take place, and I also feel that if she were to date my friends, that that would indicate that those circumstances would have occurred. And to be cast aside for anyone at that point, would cause the same amount of pain. That I can only imagine that actually happening if it were a close friend. Does that make sense? It would feel almost deliberate at that point.

Ahhh, maybe that�s it. Remember that strange tension? Yeah, oh oh I think I figured it out, maybe.

It�s as if a bookmark was placed, a mutual book mark. A �One day, we�ll come back to this point and read this chapter.� type book mark. The fact that this is perceived as mutual, any attempts to come too close to that but contrary to that would be viewed as intentionally causing pain, which would be a betrayal of my trust.

Even though I don�t really mind if the chapter is left unread for life. Even that wouldn�t bother me. I don�t really foresee the circumstances required to actually occur and timing to be opportune for that chapter to ever be read anyway, so it�s kind of a moot point.

Eh and while I write this, the folks on HBO talk about, and show, how they hacked up some serial killer into thin slices, for medical science. Neat.

Anyway, what a strange thing to think about. Oh and as to why I blanked the name; It could be a couple of people that I�m talking about, and both read this diary. I don�t want to risk adding any tension to the friendship just for the sake of me going on a mental exploration. It�s actually pretty irrelevant, but helps me understand who I am. So why bother with the risk?

Gah.. I need to wake up in 6 hours, suck.

-G