There is a house full of people down stairs, drinking, chatting, and doing what house full of people typically do. My mind will not stop. There is perpetual motion, in my cranium. The superball has been bounced of the inside my skull with incredible power and shows no signs of stopping.

It�s fucking hot in Nick�s computer room.

Giving wine advice now, I know a lot but not very much compared to some, know what I mean? *sigh*

It�s too hot. There, I opened the door, that helps a little.

I�m worrying a lot lately about things, not making my self sick worrying, but probably too concerned for my own good. Things have unraveled for me and I�ve found myself focusing on others. A select few of others, mind you. That and I�ve become a hot commodity it seems. I still have problems getting my mind around that simple concept. People like me. Last night I heard the most unbelievable (by that I mean, I don�t believe it) string of compliments and things that NO one has ever said, or could ever mean. Yes, I suppose my self esteem is that odd. And I say odd instead of bad because I can be so arrogant to some.

I really hate to think what would happen if I looked like Paul. Would I be John Galt? Un-restrained by physical limitations and the social interaction of said limitations? What if I could loose my intellect unbidden by demons of doubt.

More then likely I�d just be an insatiable prick. Oh well. I should go down stairs and join the festivities. Speaking of Paul, I miss him. Oh well� Different life, different page.

I�m afraid of what this seed in my head shall mature into. It�ll be transparent in my dealings, but I�m seriously afraid. Yes, I�m a coward. It�s really frightening to consider the lengths I�d go to kill this. There is no death of it, however. But I can feign ignorance. It�s worked before, sorta.

Bleh.. Happy 4th.

-G