What the hell is bothering me so badly? I�m not a sleeper, who runs and hides when he�s depressed. Yet, here I am. And the part that is pissing me off the most is, I�m not entirely sure what�s bothering me to this point. I know it�s something I�m just probably not admitting to myself but I�m not giving myself any hints. I mean, there are things that are bothering me, don�t get me wrong. I�m still a bit shocked and upset over this weekend and this 20 minute window of waking nightmare just before I passed out. I�m mildly worried about my relationship with the few people that were exposed to this, but more mildly then anything. I�d like to think my friendship with these people would mean more then a crazy phone call or email.
I just don�t fucking know.
I�m not going to Victorvile this week because I forgot about the Hearing scheduled the 14th so I�ll go after that. I hope I have the will to get out of bed tomorrow to go shoot (photograph) or something, purge some of this latent emotional energy that�s frying my brain.
I�ll tell you all something else, I�m feeling the acute lack of a person to vent to. I can vent to my friends, moderately, considering I�m usually the person I get vented to. But I find myself uncomfortable when using them to return the favor. They are friends, right? They should understand? I�ll always have this irrational fear that they won�t and it�ll affect our friendship. Irrational, I realize this, but ingrained.
Either I don�t feel close enough or I fear their judgement. Ah well. Strong is the lonely one who weathers the storm in solemn dignity. No use going around whining about it all, now is there? The wise man asks �why�, not �why me� and all that.
All that I ask is to be accepted for who I am.
-G