At some point at lunch today, I even went so far as to say, in my head of course, �wow.. I genuinely enjoy this girls company, in fact, I really like her.�
Fuck.
Right, so she doesn�t want to date me. Fine, I can live with that, it�s not the first and it certainly won�t be the last. But to sideline it with the reasoning being that I�m Tallguy�s friend and she used to date Tallguy�s brother? Yeah, it irritates me. And then, what irritates me even more, is the compliments she paid me in the same breath.
I honestly get it all the time, not to sound arrogant (it�s far from a good thing, as I�m hopefully imparting), but a lot of women/men/people think I�m a great guy. It just so happens that they, usually the women, promptly turn there back and walk away. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Seriously, What. The. Fuck.
Then I get the lecture that I�m too nice, too accessible. Uh, that�s like saying someone is too rich. Uh, HELLO? THAT�S FUCKING STUPID!
If you don�t like it when people are nice to you, seek fucking help cause you�re a whack job and NEED IT.
It�s a new trend in my life, I think.
Driving home from the movies today I just started crying. Just flat out, heaving sobs, crying. I couldn�t help it. I didn�t want to do it anymore. So much effort throughout my life for what? I�m on the verge of financial ruin. Solitude is not just or breakfast anymore. I'm staring down the nihilistic void.
It wasn�t all that long ago when I was on top of the world. I had, what I thought, was the love of an amazing and great woman, Susan (whom I loved so much that it would move me beyond words just to watch her sleep). I had a very promising mechanical engineering career ahead of me. Had plenty of money, security, all that. Everything was almost� perfect.
And it�s all gone. It�s a hard pill to swallow. This is my life, this is my life in ruin.
Basically, I�m just frustrated. I do what I feel are the right things, I live a moral and ethical life, in fact, I have extremely strong principles. There are so few people in this world that can pique my interest on a different level, it just makes me sad to see someone such as Joyce (that�s her name, by the way. No sense in anonymity anymore) be so completely out of my reach for� whatever reason.
Frustrated, fed up, done.
I�ll still fight. I always fight. I�ve been fighting my entire life, I don�t know how to behave differently. My friends are here, as always, and they are the corner stone of my strength anymore. But, fuck me Freddy, this sucks.
So, concentrate on changing the concrete things. Make money, make the business succeed. Frame 30+ pieces of my work so I can have my very own show this summer. Keep fighting�
But bank on this, when it becomes time and it is possible? I�m gone. I�ll wonder chilly cobblestone roads in foreign countries searching for the perfect photograph. Seems so far away�.
-G
P.S. And for the record, I hold no ill will for Joyce in any way shape or form. She is being true to herself and whether or not I disagree with that choice is of no consequence. She�s a bright young woman and has a hell of a future in front of her. I wish I could be typical and say, �Her loss�, but I cannot, in good conscious, make such a declaration as I sincerely believe it will be mine.