I�m pretty damned good making an ass out of myself, weeee. I don�t know why I do it. It doesn�t matter and it certainly doesn�t change anything. Just makes the poor girl uncomfortable around me. Yay, I�m a schmuck,
Er, right.. you want to know what I did. Well, I think I played a victim or something tonight. Had dinner with Joyce and I�m not sure why but I made it a point to articulate just how disappointed I was in the fact that she didn�t reciprocate my attraction to her. (Say what you will, however, I think we all know the �I am Tallguy�s friend� thing doesn�t hold much water when put up against an actual serious attraction).
What�s the point in it? I don�t know. She talks about some guy that she likes because he�s the first guy that ever visibly showed he liked her. Uh.. I didn�t? Oh, wait. She�s not attracted to me so of course I didn�t. Duh. I know all this shit, but yet I had to make it a point. Why? I�m some sort of emotional masochist lately.
She�s a great girl, pretty much ideal for who I�d love to spend a significant amount of time with except for one rather important detail, it�s not reciprocated. Fine. Yes, I�m disappointed as this is the first time in entirely too long that I allowed myself to even get my hopes up but gah.. Why the pity show?
I�m not a victim. I�m certainly no martyr, so why make an ass out of myself? I don�t get it. I don�t know, I�m strange sometimes (shaddup).
I know we can be friends but there will always be a distance issue, much like my friendship with Erica. I won�t play part in a lopsided friendship, not anymore. So I become, more or less, just an observer in their lives. Listening and watching and moving on when their interest wanes. It�s not as bad as it sounds as I do get certain things from these types of relationships but the closeness will never be there primarily as a defense mechanism. Erica and Joyce represent opposite ends of a spectrum, both being something I was acutely attracted to, and yes, I did say �was�.
The key attractive portion in another person is, not only, their appreciation for me but, their actual emotional affection for me as well.
I�ve learned long ago to not covet unobtainable things. I shoot for the stars in certain respects, especially with the photography, but then again, I�m not entirely convinced that the stars are not obtainable. In fact, I�m pretty certain that if I work hard enough and maintain my focus, I can turn this into something big. It�s directly effected by what I put into it, where as, people are not, it seems.
So, while I�ve poked my head up from the shroud around me for this one particular person, I just as easy as burry it again and concentrate on the tasks at hand, things that will actually show fruit from my labor.
Fatalistic emotions saunter vaguely around the back of my head but I try not to pay any heed. I can live my life alone, I am strong enough. I�ve made it this far, through some pretty terrible shit, a decade or two of solitude is like riding downhill. (Yeah, I know, I just said I wasn�t paying those fatalistic thoughts any heed, but I want to assert that I can, and I will (if necessary) continue on alone. I�ll whine about it from time to time, don�t get me wrong, but still.)
See? I told you I was going to be brief.
Heh.. she said I was so confident. Riiiiiiiight. I should take up acting, I�d win a god damned Oscar ahaha. Room full of suits = confidence, date with amazing girl = nervous wreck.
Back to work.
-G