Ultimately, I�m just weary in general. A lot of things lately just make me throw up my arms in defeat and sadness. That�s okay; some would say I�m merely weak. I�ve been hearing that a lot lately. Too much, in fact. Maybe I am, who knows. I know the cure for that, however... Yes... to not care. That�s right, I�m as strong as a fucking ox when I don�t give a shit. Maybe that�s what we all should be, monolithic stones of uncaring strength.
(I really wonder if people knew what my life has been like up until this point, would they really pass judgment on my weakness so quickly? Eh, who cares? It�s unimportant, really.)
I�m only weak when it comes to things I hold dear to my heart. I remember Susan used to say that about me (maybe that�s why such comments cut so deep). She would be spiteful or mean then act in disgust at my hurt reaction. You�d want to rage and ask how people that did that couldn�t understand but it wasn�t that, it was they just didn�t care. I can�t take it personally anymore. I have to understand that if this person actually gave a shit about me on any prolific level, it wouldn�t be like that. I can logically understand that, but my heart sometimes has problems. It�s the idealist in me crying out, perhaps.
I would resolve to be stronger, sterner, and I was sometimes. But it was my anger and spite that made me strong. Eh, at least sex was better and more frequent during those times. It�s pretty bad when someone needs someone to be flippant and uncaring towards them to be desirable.
But I�m being unfair, that was really only in the latter portions of the relationship. In truth, I miss what we had at the beginning, and probably always will.
But tonight, I ran down aisles in the supermarket, throwing a tiny glowing green football back n forth, pissing off everyone. We walked dark streets singing �buttercup�, and my only sunshine, and other famous hits. Fuck.
Ah, yes.. I also ran into a model I�ve wanted to shoot for a while. Hopefully we�ll be shooting this weekend. That makes me happy. I�m postponing my trip out of town for that and, of course, financial reasons. This month is going to fucking SUCK!
But aside from that, this week starts the beginning of my rather spirited networking social life. I can�t wait; it�s going to be interesting. I wonder if I still have the touch. It�s not nearly as easy without an equally talented partner, but I�ll wing it.
Ah well, best to try and get some sleep before my long day tomorrow.
-G