My mind is going again, full steam ahead. Speaking of steam, when I woke up at midnight, still livid, with neck full of steel cords, I decided the best course of action would be the gym. Not to work out but to sit in the steam room like I used to long ago, back in the engineering days. It was annoyingly busy this time of night. I needed solitude, not two people talking about he relative intelligence of our president when compared with an average chimpanzee.

I just really don�t give a shit about that right now, you know? I feel like I�m at a crossroad and I don�t know what to do. I don�t like how any particular path looks right now.

If I stray from the path that I�m on now I fear it will cease to become an option in the future. It will fade away. However, the path that I�m on now surely leads to my destruction, which in and of itself isn�t really that bad, but when I have to deal with the effects of this path every fucking day by seeing what it�s doing to grandma?

This path might work, there is a slim chance, and if it does work it�ll work in a big, big way, but what do I risk? What can I risk? Can I abandon everything in hopes of this working, even my future? If I pursue this, the amount of suffering I will be bringing down on, not only myself, but also my grandmother will be immense. She deserves better, god damnit!!! And right now, I can�t provide that. I can�t provide any comfort, solace, or respite from her agony.

But mainly I�m just infinitely angry with myself. I�ve handled everything wrongly. Everything from my pathetically dysfunctional relationships with the women in my life to my inability to get back on my feet financially.

How can I not help but look back to my relatively recent financial security and look back in amazement at the ruin I have brought upon myself? What could I have done differently? Could I have worked harder? Yeah. I needed to. Things distracted me, which shouldn�t have. I hate myself for it, I most certainly do.

My fear... Yes, my fear is a huge factor. And even now I�m afraid to admit how much power it has me over me recently. I�ve lost my confidence and I don�t know how to get it back. I get it back in spurts but it�s a false confidence brought about by perceptions on my physical appearance. Basically, if I look nice, I am relatively confident.

Honestly, I don�t really believe I�ve ever been so afraid in my life. I am on the verge of absolute failure. The verge of proving my ingrate family right.

I can say this with 100% honesty, I will eat a bullet before that happens, I swear it.

Fuck it, I�m as tired of bitching as you are of reading it. It solves nothing. I�m in a situation that only I can get myself out of. Will I do what needs to done or will I take the easy out and suffer self loathing for the rest of my existence?

Can I stand with the weight of the world on my shoulders?

Stay tuned.

I�m just waiting for the swoon so I may go to bed with relative assurance I won�t be leaving it anytime soon. Ah.. yes, there it is. It starts with a loss of feeling in the toes and then feet. Everything becomes trails. Not visually, tactilely. Move your leg and see it move but feel a much different response. Messages are getting to the brain slower then they are happening. Typing is becoming a feat of dexterity and focus.

Right now, this minute, I miss what Susan did for me in the early days. She gave me the confidence to be a better person and in that, love her all the more. Her affection wasn�t a drug, it was an elixir for life. It�s amazing how many women have this power and waste it on those who could never, never understand. Ah, yes.. arrogance speaking.

My message to everyone: Never sell yourselves short.

-G

-G