If I were a samurai, I�d be a dead one. Zen, when in relation to samurai, has this thing where you can stop thinking and just act. Mushin is the Japanese term (if I recall correctly), but it�s basically �no stopping of the mind� or 'no-mind'. When you think, you stop to think. You don�t let things flow naturally, automatically. You have no clarity because your mind is fogged with thought. For a samurai, this is deadly for in combat, to stop and reflect on what you are going to do, or what you have done, ultimately leads to death. For me, it�s just mostly distracting and detrimental.

You see, my mind is filled with thoughts that won�t go away. I�m ruminating, dwelling, and otherwise obsessing about these thoughts. It�s almost as if I have ghosts in my head, flying around doing things that spooks do, instilling fear, doubt, regret, and all that shit.

I mean, my mother had a heart attack Friday and not even that was enough to shake me from my internal spooks. Grandma had an asthma attack Saturday, so that both of the only really loving women in my life were in the hospital at the same time, and yet here I sat, dwelling.

It�s pointless, it really is. It serves no real function, other then distracting me from what has to be done.

To fall back to my love of analogies, life has me pinned in a corner and is going for the throat. If I don�t stop dwelling on this, I�ll never be able to block and go on a counter offensive.

It�s almost as if I�m paralyzed by my thoughts and doubts.

Oh and I was called boring for the first time in my life. I should cherish it, since I love firsts in life, but that was in gnawing away at me too. I�ve been called a lot of things in my life, but never boring. Crazy, insane, intense, scary, bizarre, wild, jerk, asshole, et cetera, but never boring.

She actually has a point, too. Of course, it�s a two way street, but it enlightened me to some conditioning brought about by a certain past relationship. The fact that this person reminds me, in so many ways of the girl I dated doesn�t really help any. (And by that I mean the charming self-centeredness, arrogance, and ambition (can�t forgive the drive for, and love of, power))

In my relationship, near the end, there was such a determined struggle for maturity and sophistication that all things had to be of a certain level of properness and etiquette. I couldn�t be around her as if I were around my friends. I couldn�t express my amazement and child like excitement for small and �stupid� things. I almost was expected to be humorless. I�m embarrassed I let this effect me so that now it is hard for me to express that facet of myself in front of women, especially certain women.

I�ve taken to a �give as much as I receive� mentality. I will mirror this persons perceived expectations of behavioral maturity. If a person is prone to impetuous behavior, then that side of me comes alive. If a person is more apt to be stodgy demeanor, then that side of me is reflected. (On a side note, I�ve also become that way emotionally, when it comes to expressing affection. I will give as much as I receive. I will make the initial effort, but if not returned, I close off until otherwise received. I�ve become that way in so many things in my life that it�s almost sad.)

This is very upsetting. I used to be such an uncompromisingly passionate person. I really dislike the notion that that side can even be buried under certain conditions. You can actually chalk that up to living and thriving in corporate America for so long as well. That alone is enough to murder the passion, or at least excitability, in all but the most childish people. You can still remain passionate, but it must be a very focus and mature passion. Not the child like glee of reflections and shadows like I used to express.

Another thing that lends to my boringness is the abject lack of capital. Most of my friends, the going out ones, anyway, have just stopped calling altogether. My phone went to ringing constantly to quiet meditation in the matter of a few weeks of my inability to partake in most social events. It�s not like people won�t take care of me, not at all, it�s that I HATE relying on people to take care of me.

Let�s face it, I have some of the best and most giving friends on the planet, but that doesn�t mean I�m happy about being in a position for them to give to me. I�d rather know that I have that gift there but not receive it, make sense?

So, yes� to get back to my original point, I haven�t been writing much because there are very few things to write about, other then things I have no desire to write about. I�m not the type of person who is drawn to their journals in times of strife and emotional pain, despite how may sometimes seem. I actually find that shit rather boring. Especially if it�s a continued trend over years. It�s like some people become misery magnets, I don�t want to be one of those people. I�d rather write funny stories about my bizarre and confusing life then sit around and bitch and moan about how shitty things are.

Even so, I appreciate all the email from people bitching at me to update with ANYTHING. Well, here is something, damnit :).

And fear not, once my life has some spark and interest in it, my updates will once again stream like clockwork. Until then, they shall be sporadic at best. I�ve got to find my way through this fog in my brain so that I may start my life anew. This is like hitting rock bottom and starting to dig.

-G

"To defeat a thousand enemies is good,
but the samurai who defeats himself
Is the greatest of warriors." -The Dhammapada