I went back to Mary K's tonight. A place I haven't been in a long time. Call it nostalgic, boredom, whatever. I was very disappointed to see that half the place was PC's and the remaining coin video games sucked. Oh well.

I'm mildly curious about where unwittingly's goth scene is. I've never really known of a 'goth' scene in vegas. I mean, I found Carrine at the blood moon social club, out on some scary farm out near blue diamond. But live action roleplaying on some crazy farm isn't really 'goth', it just happened to have a couple of 'goth'ish people attending. Carrine was bored as hell and hated it.

Damn, my guts pain.

There used to be (still is?) a goth night (wednesday) at angles? Well, I hear it's called Icon now. But I'm not sure if it's still going on. Maybe I'll go check it out. I went once a few years ago back when I was searching for models, but it really fucking sucked. I'm just not into 80's synth pop, and that's all the DJ played. I mean, I love Erasure, don't get me wrong, it just doesn't inspire dark gloomy thoughts. I want a club full of leather spiked people playing the latest Funker Voght, Velvet Acid Christ, Frontline Assembly, etc. etc.. And there was just none of that there.

I went to a 'goth' club called 'Shrine of Lilith' in San Francisco, was at a place called Manhattan Lounge I believe. That experience left me scarred (Bondage A-go-go was cool as hell though, small, but cool. Girls handcuffed to the bar drank for free between certain times. You have to respect that). Not in a way you'd expect to be scarred either. Now, I don't dress 'goth'. I've never dressed goth. My personality has been described as 'goth' in that I've had my share of misanthropic/apocolyptic years. But I went wearing an all black outfit so as not to stick out like a complete sore thumb. The club was full of people who just seemed like they were trying too damn hard.

It's hard to describe what the experience was like. It's like, when you see someone out in public dressed completely freaky with steel devil horn inserts into their skull, a thousand body rings along the arms, the whole package. They are basically screaming 'pay attention to me'. Which is cool, I respect that and enjoy the style. But then you get those people who are like that and then resent any attention they get. What the hell do you expect? Well, this club just seemed full (Well, it was actually sorta empty) of people who were screaming for attention yet hated you when you gave it to them. They seemed like the type that were cutters because it was 'cool'. All in all very rude people.

I don't know. I guess I have a very narrow desire for what I'd like to find, and I'm not even sure it exists.

Also, something that's bothering me about the whole 'goth' thing (I know, I'm rambling, suck it up). The pretentiousness. Originally I thought that the whole counter-culture point was to accept anybody, unlike actual pop culture. They were supposedly more concerned about who you were then what you looked like. Damn, was I ever wrong. I was involved in corporate america for the past 5 years. I was a pretenses fuck. I made a lot of money, ate at the best restaurants, had an expensive wardrobe, and would drink great wines and sapphire martinis. I was aware of the uselessness of it all, but it was a role I played in order to advance politically. I could work a room with the best of them. And I can safely say that most counter-culture sub-groups I've come into contact with were just as, if not more, pretentious as corporate america. Both have standards of dress, attitude, and even financial status as criteria for acceptance. Now please, correct me if I'm wrong, but these are my impressions.

I don't know. I'll just be happy knowing I can operate in basically any social setting, yet never belong to any. There really isn't a group I fit into. I'm just tired of playing a role these days. They are just fucking lies. Every time you lie you create a reality, and you become a slave to that reality. I've done a lot to abolish the lies from my life, even though a few remain. I'll get them soon enough though. Some are so hardwired though it's hard.

There seems to be a lack of appreciation these days. Appreciation for the small things. Your own small personal triumphs, a bird, a flower, a can in the gutter. I appreciate a headache. I appreciate feeling lonely and dislocated. I appreciate being hung up on by on old friend who doesn't want to be a friend, but wants a friend. I appreciate the spark of anger that event inspired. Yes, my rambling is approaching epic proportions, I'm like that at times like these. Tired yet tirelessly ruminating.

How would it affect David Ross if he were homeless for a week? With nothing, not even an identity. How would it change a person like that? How would it change me? I think I'm going to find out how it would change me. Is the lesson only valuable to someone who can appreciate suffering? Richard thinks it'll make me even more materialistic. That kind of hurt. I'd like to prove him wrong.

I've been writing for an hour.

Anomie. The reason a friend wants to go sky diving. Not to experience the rush or for the fun of it, but to see if he can bring himself to actually pull the cord.

Yeah... Anomie.

At this point I shall not suppress a sigh.

Illusions and crime,

-G