Something is wrong with my nose. It�s leaking gallons of runny clear fluid fucking everywhere. I�ve gone through a box of Kleenex so far. I even went out with Paul tonight and all I did was blow my nose and sniffle. Well... Okay, so I whined a lot. Not so much as whined but.. Complained. I didn�t really complain I sort of just vented. Fuck, I have no idea what I did. It was nice to talk but I hated myself for it.

I like Paul. He related Grandma to a specific bad person and I understood what he said, he was happy about that.

God damn nose.

I figured out why I don�t talk to really anyone anymore (not really �talk�, you know, I just say stuff), it�s because I don�t like admitting what a fucking wreck I am. I hide however I can from the sound of retching in the bathroom because I can�t stand being helpless, and I hate that I get angry at grandma for being sick and there being nothing I can do for her which makes me helpless. I hate being vulnerable when I�m supposed to be some brilliant resilient person.

I�m not brilliant, and I�m not resilient. I�m a scared 26 year old boy. Resentful of the fact I was never taught what it was to be a man, by a man, filled with the ideals of manhood from women who said they wanted one thing and chose something different. My personality is a lie manifested.

The truth is, I�m falling apart. I�m not approaching some epiphany, some threshold of enlightenment. I�m breaking down. I lose myself in self pity to escape pity for my grandmother. She�s asking to die and I�m raging that I can�t find a decent appreciative women who�s attracted to me. What a fucking joke. I�m not breaking any new ground with these thoughts, I figured this shit out when I was 14. I�m missing someone to hug and I can�t take the pain of the only person who ever has appreciated me.

I want to put a bullet in every doctor that didn�t want to give grandma something to help her sleep.

The retching again. Do you have any idea how maddening that sound is? How utterly useless it makes me feel? How horrifying it is to even come close to empathizing with her pain? No.... don�t do that, it makes the guilt of helplessness even worse. Ignore the pain you can�t do anything about, ignore the crying and the retching. Don�t acknowledge it because when you do you step further down a dark path. Do what you can and turtle from the rest. Pretend it doesn�t exist.

It exists alright.

Wow, I�m really fucking pathetic, this is great. I never though I could feel so utterly pitiful. So this is what destroying your self image is like. Neat. Of course, it manifests mostly in my physical self image. That�s the part I have the most problem with as that�s the facet that affects so many people. I�m dizzy.

I should go to bed. Maybe I�ll dream of someone washing my hand again. Er.. okay well maybe they will wash my nose. I haven�t had a nose bleed in awhile. So much for the clear liquid spiel. Bleh, I can taste pennies in my mouth. This keeps getting better and better.

-G