Basically, everything is crumbling. I�ve built quite a sand castle in my life and it�s been looking pretty ragged this last year. I�ve been stressing and running around a lot, trying to patch this portion up, sacrificing some portions of the floor plan for others, trying to build on the original foundation, et cetera. Things are most stressful and panic ridden when the first signs of complete collapse are seen. There is still a hope; an expectation that you try to do your best to save the crumbling remains. At some point, the crumbling becomes uncontrollable, unstoppable, and the only thing left to do is get out of the way, stand back, and watch the glorious fall. Completely calm.
It�s an odd sense of the inevitable. But I�m sleeping better, strangely enough. There really isn�t any question anymore. No uncertainty. Sure, it�s the worst case scenario and I can�t figure a way out of it and back on path to where I want to be, but the initial feelings of it all are very calm.
Of course, by calm, I don�t mean I won�t keep fighting. I always keep fighting. I just won�t let silly things like my fear of failure get in my way. Too late! I�ve got that over with, moving on.
And I�m not even being melodramatic, strangely enough. It�s a very real possibility I�ll end up losing everything. Like my truck, for instance. Can�t pay for it, no matter how much you�ve already paid, and how long you�ve been paying for it, they will take it away. It�s a simple fact.
Oh well. I had a good run of it.
And now I�m faced with a decision, much like any day, but this is fairly significant. I have the opportunity to move to New York City (actually, Alabama for 2 months or so, then to NYC). It�s a way out for me, but only me. I would leave my friends and my grandmother behind. Which, in case any of you didn�t know, I don�t think I can do. Logic screams that I should go, take the opportunity given me and run with it. My gut instinct is to say no. If I want this, I�ll rebuild from scratch.
I�ve got a feeling I�m about to find out what scratch really is.
My gallery opening in November: Lost corporate sponsorship, which means no framing capital, no ability to set up the gallery the way I want. I�ve got the space, but nothing to put there. Isn�t that dandy?
But I shall not despair. I will figure something out, if I have to have images blown up at kinko�s so I can staple the fuckers to the wall, I�ll do it. Something will happen November, it may not live up to my previous desires, but I�m not going to quit.
Anyway, that�s what has been going on. Wish me luck. Time to go job hunting Monday, whee.
-G