Whoa� I just fended off the first major offensive of this particular spider campaign, but in the spider�s defense, I didn�t play fair. I used a super secret weapon... Aqua-Net! FEAR IT! Here is how it went down.

I�m walking into the bathroom and since I have super ninja like skills, especially for detecting anything moving (basically, I�m a paranoid fuck. Rightly so, I might add) I notice one HUGE fucking spider (about the size of a quarter, shut up) and half dozen little itty-bitty fuckers. What kind of spider brings their kids to a battleground? I�ll never understand some parents.

Anyway, I freeze immediately. I glance around for something to use to defend myself from the menacing horde of bodily fluid sucking poisonous spiders (I was naked, did I forget to mention that?) and spotted an old can of grandma�s Aqua-Net. Ah HA!

So I give the squirrelly little fuckers a good dousing, which inspires a few medium sized bastards to scatter up the wall from near the door. �God damn�, I think to myself, I must have blundered upon a sneak attack before they were ready! This was no joke!

Now, in the spirit of Madam Tussaud, I�ve got a dozen little frozen spider statues spread about my bathroom floor. As soon as I�m sure they are actually dead, and not just in time stasis due to the amazing and bizarre time stopping powers of maximum strength Aqua-Net, I�m going to crucify the big one and stick him outside my door as a warning. Hopefully, I�ll have pictures tomorrow. I already have the Popsicle sticks ready.

That�ll give the next wave something to think about before they so blindly throw themselves to their doom! Maybe I�ll scatter the baby ones around the base of it, that makes for good impact for any spider parents out there.

Fuckers, I�ll come after your families! Stay the fuck outside! Just eat bugs! LEAVE ME ALONE!

I did miss one, however, and the bastard bit me on the ankle. It was a suicide attack. Divine wind, and all that. Not quite enough to push the hordes back across the channel, or anything, but it did irritate me and now my ankle kinda itches. Bastards.

I can just imagine the little baby spider screaming �FATHER!!! I WILL AVENGE YOU!!�

Yes, I have melodramatic spiders. I�m sure most of you remember the black widow incident.

Right, so, anyway, I�ve got a long ass day tomorrow so I�m going to go insure I get at least 5 hours of sleep. I haven�t gotten ANY sleep this weekend so every minute counts.

-G