I think If I were to go to a therapist for any regular amount of time, and refrain from attempting to manipulate them into thinking what I want them to think, I think I would find out a lot. A lot I probably already knew, and a lot that I haven�t quite articulated just yet. I do have some interesting psychological quirks, to be sure.

Take my sex life, for example. It�s really hard for me to have sex with someone who I do not a have strong emotional reaction to. It could be almost any strong emotional reaction. Now, I�ve had sex with a few people in my past who I was less then thrilled by, but usually it was more of a giving thing. The only reason I was having sex was because the script said to, at that point and time, and they wanted it. Who am I do deny that? But man, when I have a strong emotional reaction to someone, I must have sex a lot.

But above and beyond my somewhat abnormal sexual appetite, my relationships with men and women and my intrinsic views of them would be interesting to see laid out in front of me by a third party. Consider that I�ve never had a dominant and/or stable male influence in my life. In fact, pretty much every male I�ve ever known during adolescence were scum bags. Every fucking one of them, to be honest. I had my real father who was MIA, a no show. I spent a few summers with him... okay, not so much as with him, but where he lived and worked on a farm in Pioche Nevada. He was either out working the farm or off at some poker tournament.

I had my various Uncle�s that were around a fair amount when I was younger. My uncle Gary was a psychopathic marine fuck, who screamed his head off if you spoke out of turn or didn�t finish all your food. How utterly boring. Then there was my uncle Dave. Please see last entry. Oh and we can�t forget my uncle Bruce, no. His idea of baby-sitting was locking me in the hood of my mothers VW bug while he went and huffed paint with his buddies. He later killed himself when I was like 12 or something.

Then of course my mother had a steady stream of loser drug dealer boyfriends. Actually, only really one drug dealer, the rest were primarily end users. Didn�t quite have the ambition and intelligence to achieve dealership. Geez, it�s no wonder I think all men are fucking pigs and are inherently fucked up.

On the flip side, I can�t even say I�ve had good relationships with the women in my life either. Of course, my grandmother was the best out of them all but I�m all too aware of the lingering psychological damage she put me through (She�s a guilt tripper, an extremely skilled one at that). As a result of her I often try too hard to please the women in my life and get easily frustrated by their apparent lack of appreciation for my efforts. Wow... how true is that. I don�t think I�ve ever explained it so eloquently.

My relationship with my mother has recently gotten better, she�s clean and holding a steady job for the first time in her life. Actually, she�s been doing pretty good for about two years now. She still has plenty of issues, don�t get me wrong... I mean, she is on a litany of mood drugs and she can still be rather manic at times. But ever since I had her committed awhile ago, she�s been doing pretty good.

To go a step further we can examine the relationships between the two sex�s, and my observations since childhood. Every, and I mean every, female influence in my childhood had an extremely fucked up relationship with men. My grandmother had a hugely abusive and oppressive relationship with my grandfather until their divorce, to which she married a few times (all before I was born) but ultimately ended up single. I�ve already commented on my mothers so called relationships. Even my friends parents were always in some tumultuous volatile relationship.

I�ve yet to see a healthy relationship.

It�s no wonder I latched on to the story book ideal of romance so early on. It�s also no wonder I harbored the opinion that the entire world was comprised solely of idiots at a very early age. Even to an eight year old, these people didn�t make a bit of fucking sense.

All of this contributes to a somewhat lumpy personality. I�ve latched onto some of the traits I�ve witnessed as a child, traits usually held by the women of the observed relationships; communicative, maybe even overly so, and of course, I always try harder then the other to salvage a relationship. Again, both traits that most women boast.

I still believe very strongly in communication and compromise, but the trying too hard may have been fractured in my last serious relationship. I don�t know if I have the heart to sacrifice myself again, nor the will to.

Tendencies: Over-emotional, over-analytical (is this funny?), easily offended by object of affection. I wilt easily under the harsh light of loved ones ire. Oh and I don�t fight. Not like normal people fight. I have this aversion to women and men screaming at each other. Okay, so maybe it�s not so much as an aversion but I�m simply bored of it. All my life women and men have screamed at each other and I don�t want anything to do with it anymore. Done! So that can frustrate people who need to fight, who need that dramatic edge in their relationship. Fooey on them, though.

Needless to say, I do not think Jerry will ever invite me onto his show. Pity me.

This is already way too long for most people to read so I�ll just let it end here, without an ending, without meaning. I am, however, curious as to if therapy could help or if I indeed need to be helped. I�m not confident enough to say I don�t need it, nor am I pretentious enough to say I do.

I do, however, have a lot of love for my friends.

Batteries and warm feelings,

-G