I ask that in reference to why I�m over at my friend Richards house instead of my own. What�s going on? I�m so glad you asked.
You see, I�ve this friend, female friend, mind you, that needed a place to crash for a couple days while her roommates fixed their air conditioning. Vegas sucks ass without air, we all know that. I�m always the one to help out if I can plus it�s kinda nice having someone there, ya know? Even though I�m used to an empty bed it�s always much nicer with a sweet smelling woman next to me, but that�s all beside the point.
Her first night was um.. Friday night? Yeah.. I had friends in town for a bachelor party so I wasn�t there Friday night so I won�t even bother counting that night. Anyway, she�s still there. Which, again isn�t really that big of a deal. A few things are chaffing, the fact that I don�t sleep like a normal person and am too damned worried about bothering her since she sleeps soooo damned light. I can�t get up at 2am and write a diary entry because I can�t sleep, or read, or do whatever I normally do when I want to avoid sitting there and thinking. Well, I just lay there and think. Not good for my mental health at this point.
But even so! I�ll even overlook all that stuff because I know she needs a place to stay and she�s my friend, all that.
I try to be the best host I can be, getting her apple juice, making sure she�s as comfortable as possible, even running the AC on fan mode 24/7 because she�s doesn�t like the huge temp shifts like I�m used to. I even tolerate *gasp* baseball on my TV. I�ve changed my entire life style, basically. (bare with me, I�m getting to the point, not just patting myself on the back)
So today, Grandma is freaking out. She ordered Pizza and I was wrapped up in something on the computer and spaced that grandma may want something too, okay fine, I�m a inconsiderate asshole. So grandma is crying and slamming stuff around saying how she feels so �neglected� and �left out�. Apologizing isn�t enough, it never has been, she just pours it on until I�m near tears from seeing her so upset, doing and trying to say anything to get her to calm down. She finally relaxes a bit, thank god. My mom then calls up� Ugh!!! She�s miserable, all kinds of shit going on with her, lots her own fault, some not, but she�s got the mental stability of a 3 year old when it comes to stress. So yeah, she�s saying how she wants to die and how life is miserable and she�s so unhappy, et cetera. Wonderful, my mom hasn�t pulled the suicide gig for what, 7 years? 6? Something, it�s been awhile so I suppose she�s due.
Great, so now what can I do to try to help her? She�s asking for help, I need to help. K.. Well around that time Grandma mentions I need to do some errands for her, pick up cat food, take something back to Wal-Mart, shit like that. I figure I�ll have Coffee with Richard, pick up a win98 disk to help mom fix her computer (one of her complaints), do the errands, etc.. So I�m trying to sort through all this shit in my head while getting ready, my friend is watching TV and I�m about to walk out the door and think �Hey, maybe she wants to get out of the house� And ask if she�d like to go. She says no, so I tell her that if she needs anything while I�m out just give me a call.
So I went out did the errands and such and Richard and I decide to go play Golden-Tee and have a few beers since I really didn�t want to go back home to reality just yet. I get home and you can cut the tension with a knife. I think if there was anything glaringly that I could have done wrong to piss her off, but mostly I just don�t have the patience to try and figure out why she�s mad so I ask �Everything okay?� � �Fine.� You know, said in that way.
Okay fine, she�s pissed, I don�t know why, I just need to get out of there. I�ll go visit Paul since he comes on shift at midnight and it�s 11:30. So I go tell her that I�m restless and not tired, that I�m going to go see Paul, etc. and she says �Try sitting around here all fucking day with no one to talk to.� Uh.. So I remind her that I asked if she wanted to go with me earlier. To which she replied �You asked on your way out, as an after thought, that wasn�t an invite.�
Riiight. Well, okay. Excuse the fuck out of me for having shit on my mind and being this (�.) close to a fucking breakdown myself, and not asking you at the appropriate time if you wanted to go with me. Instead, of course, I just said �Uh� yeah�� and walked out.
Is it okay to scream now? No? Alright, I�ll do it later. This is no great newsflash to me, but I want to reiterate it here for effect. I cannot handle people who I must deal with on a personal basis being upset with me for whatever reason. I just can�t. I don�t have the emotional strength to deal with it anymore. Especially when it�s inconsequential bullshit! And I�m sorry but right now, that�s pretty fucking inconsequential in the grand scheme of things!
I can deal with co-workers being pissed at me to a certain extent, if they�re being idiots about it etc. and I�ve done my fair share of purposefully pissing off people I didn�t like, but this? I can�t handle it. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, but mostly I just wanted to leave. I couldn�t bare laying down next to that simmering block of anger knowing I was the reason behind it. I sure as hell wasn�t going to �fight� with her. I don�t �fight�. I don�t handle tempers well at all, I don�t like overly angry people. I don�t like having to walk on eggshells around a person for fear of inciting their fiery temper. Fuck that, friends are supposed to be friends. Ugh, whatever.
There are just so many things I could add to this but it�s already one big pile of steamy dog shit as far as journal entries go. But fuck me, I needed to vent.