You see, I�m coming back from the kitchen of my best friends house and the lights go out, I chuckle to myself that the party in the next room are playing tricks on me so I just cop a seat. I wait for a few minutes or so and am rewarded by a sensation that can only be described as being dropped on my head. The back of my head, the area that makes you see stars? Yeah, that area, and the sickly crunch of my neck hyper extending as my body collapses around me, tingling. Now the darkness isn�t so thick, just many shades of blue. I see my friends mother darting away. Curious, I play dead for awhile and go to move to find out what the hell is going on. WHAM!! Again, this time waking me from my slumber.

That dream alone is enough to keep some people awake for the rest of the night, not me.. Nope, I find it more amusing the anything and dismiss it out of hand.. but wait, it�s 5am now. The black hour. The room is cold and empty. I purposefully avoid watching emotional movies during these dark hours due to my heightened emotional state typical this time of night. So of course I start reflecting on things, I can�t really help it.

I went to a photography/art show at the Polo Towers (Hush club) last Thursday, Justin Howard was the featured photographer. Justin is female, by the way. Anyway, the overall theme was erotic art. Not necessarily erotic as in nude fine art photography, but a mix of fine are with some fetish flavor thrown in. There were some live performers, a few playboy/penthouse doing dancing/strip tease type things, a couple hermaphrodite lip syncers, that sort of thing. All in all it was entertaining but nothing too jaw dropping. Some of the photography was good, others were basically personality shots (mostly 2nd and 3rd tier rock/movie stars) that stand on the merit of the personality and not the photography (Who can take a bad picture of Dave Nevarro?).

Anyway, the real interesting aspect of the show was the people. Had your fair share of freaks, tattoo�d man in is speedo w/fanny pack, ultra pierced boy who didn�t even really look human, etcetera, along with your fairly normal �alternative� crowd who�d go to a photography show at 10pm on a Thursday night. It was a fair mix of beautiful and ugly people all around.

Now, I don�t fit in with anyone there. I don�t mark my body nor has steel ever pierced this flesh for non-violent or non-medical purposes. Honestly, I like it that way. There are a lot of things about my body that I don�t like, but my skin is one of them (Don�t get me wrong, I�ve absolutely ZERO problem with those who choose to do these things, I recognize the aesthetic appeal of a lot of it, but just don�t think it�s right for me). But to my point. If I am going to �make it� as an art photographer, especially with my style, these are going to be the types of people who will likely be attracted to my photographs.

What�s concerning me is that I don�t know how to talk to these people. I honestly have no idea if there is a way to talk to them? I�m comfortable with ties. I can shmooze a suit with the best of em. How do I talk to some half naked woman holding a snake? I�m fascinated by the look, I�ll admit. I�m not saying I particularly like the look nor would I ever adopt such a look, but the dark thing is alluring to some extent (Obviously if you look at my photography). But since I choose to express it through a camera lens and not with my personal style, does that exclude me? This is the crowd I�ll have to appeal to if I want to �Make it� as an artist.

Richard points out that I need to do what I do and that will work or it won�t. I can appreciate that, but standing there among those people and feeling so far removed makes me wonder. I don�t even know where to start. It�s a frightening concept to me considering I usually just jump right in. The jumping in thing works some of the time but that�s usually because I don�t really care. The whole Engineering thing, it was basically a �Hey, let�s see if I could do it, it would be funny�. You think I really wanted to be a mechanical engineer? Hahaha. I didn�t care if I failed, didn�t really care if I succeeded. It was fun figuring out how to navigate corporate America. I was so pleased with myself defying all the old bastards in their suits and advancing incredibly fast. Hell, I was first hired as temp data entry worker and nine months later I was a Mechanical Engineer. I still am amused to hell by the whole thing. But this art photography thing.. Scares the shit out of me.

Above and beyond these thoughts are the other thoughts that are typical for this time of morning. My thoughts wonder to Susan and the fact she decided I wasn�t worth it. No matter how long it�s been or will be, that still stings. Of course I think of a few of my other relationships. Long ago and more recent, wondering about the little things. I�m sure people often put these sort of things into reflection. I don�t understand what people look for like I thought I used to. It�s always saying one thing and doing differently. How can you know a person when they don�t even follow their own proclaimed values and morality? I just get frustrated and confused at times like these.

These are also the times when my fractured self esteem makes itself even more visible to me. The thought of �Why??� followed closely by �Of course not.� Interesting contradiction.

Oh well.. I�m sure Richard�s lame ass will be calling sooner then I hope to go help him install computers at a law firm so I need to get back to bed for at least a little bit.

-G