Nothing new, still broke, still suffering from my existential dilemma. A glimmer of a hope, perhaps, shadowed by my grandmothers misery. It�s hardening standing there, helpless, watch her cry out in pain as she tries to shift to a less painful position, leaving her sobbing. I can�t cry too, that will hurt her more, so I just stand there and watch.

Tonight, at least, I am rewarded by a smile from a friend who was less then happy. At least I still have capacity to help someone even if I can�t seem to find the will to help myself or the ability to help others. Oh, don�t get me wrong, she�s done a lot for me, good and bad. I�m finding myself more jaded and cynical then I want to be. She offers a future all too enticing to me but all too easily disappointed. My armor is thick.

I�ve nothing more to say tonight, or rather, nothing more that I will say. Maybe I�ll just reiterate past feelings. Oh if I wasn�t cursed with this capacity for love.

-G