I�ve got a friend who�s very essence is desperation. Desperation for acceptance of his rather unorthodox personality traits, as well as just general desperation for love from another. It�s hard to tell someone so thirsty for those kinds of things that his likelihood of receiving what he so desperately wants is inversely proportional to his desperation for said things!
That�s like telling the man dying of thirst that he must not be thirsty to receive a drink of life giving water. How do you tell someone that and keep a straight face? And by that, I don�t mean in laughter, but in scorn and disdain for the mechanisms that drive such statements to be made at all?
Now, with that said, I�ve never known a girl who was �desperate�. Perhaps I�ve known ones that may fit some peoples classifications for desperation, but I�ve never found myself exclaiming �Wow, she�s desperate� in my head.
But I can�t think that if I were to meet someone who fulfilled my criteria for the type of person I could fall in love with but she were desperate for companionship? How could I ever hold that against her? Why should I? Have you not been cold and lonely with not another thought then a warm hug and a kind word from a loved one?
I don�t understand. I really don�t. What�s unattractive about desperation? What does it have to do with anything?
Love is something that most people absolutely must have in their lives. It�s akin to water for a thirsty soul, if I may be so mystical. If you deny essentials from a person long enough, they become desperate for them, correct? It�s only natural.
So why then is there this big stigma? Why must my friend conceal his desires so that he may achieve them? Why the subterfuge and lying?
He asked me tonight why we don�t have women who love us. I had no answer for him. I�ve had the desire beaten out of me by our society and am settling into a nice comfortable apathy for the whole thing, but he is not.
It bothers me.
And on another subject, what�s the appeal to �project� relationships? No, I know. It�s deeply rooted in various neurosis� of some sort or another. Hell, I used to be a fixer. Thinking I could show my worth to a person by helping them, and fixing them. I can�t tell everyone how glad I am to have grown up.
Blarg. I, typically, hate speaking about love and relationships, mainly because it�s the clich� topic of discussion on 99 out of a hundred various blogs/weblogs/e-diaries/journals. It seems to be what vexes us the most. Silly people.
So, yeah. I usually hate talking about it here since it�s usually just whiney and lacking of any substance. But lately, it�s been a hot topic in my normal every day social life.
And to say I�m jaded would.. well, it may be accurate, but I�m growing even more disinterested in the whole affair. Aside from a desire for my friend�s well being, and my typical desire for sex and physical intimacy, I just really don�t need the tedium.
That and the only person I�ve really ever known for a substantial length of time who�s actually ready for a fully requited and equal relationship, lives on the other side of the universe. Go figure.
I�ve got plenty of things on my plate. My life has become incredibly full. In fact, I was lamenting earlier how I haven�t spent a quiet night at home in.. months. I go non-stop lately. I�ve got a surprising amount of people willing to go do various things with me, and it seems like I rarely turn them down. Not that I�m complaining, mind you, it�s all just so very.. strange, I suppose.
And let me tell you, it�s hard being a social butterfly while trying to skimp by on no money so the business can flourish!
Oh well, I don�t think I�ve ever been so bewildered by the people around me as I am now. It just has been really.. really strange lately.
Must wake up early. Must get some sleep. Must watch some porn first� mm..
-G