Three people called earlier today and I just looked at their names on the phone and clicked the melody off. Not out of any ill will towards those people, mind you, just that.. I simply had nothing to say to anyone at that point. This reminded me of something Richard pointed out to me last night? Fuck, I can�t remember, it�s all blurring together.
He was amazed? I think that was the word he used, but paraphrasing; He was amazed at me, that I had such a large group of people asking for my time. Now, the point hit me pretty profoundly, but I quickly set the main point aside and chose to dwell on the lack of any sort of positive connotation to that kind of statement. It was much more fun at the time to try and figure out exactly what was so surprising about that, that I would incite this sort of thing from others? That others would seek to spend time with me? What the hell? Now, I knew he didn�t necessarily mean anything bad by that, but it was fun to poke at.
But he�s got a point. Since when did I become so popular? I haven�t, up until that point, thought a second about it. I�ve never considered myself popular, quite the contrary actually. My ideology has always been a bit edgy and progressive, and the fact that I spend a lot of time discussing philosophy/psychology has usually meant that not a lot of people wanted any part of it. Too serious, and all that. I never really understood that sort of thing either, though. What the fuck was I supposed to talk about? Gossip? Who did who? Who really cares? That and I really don�t hang out with many male/female sluts. So my life is wonderfully devoid of that sort of bullshit. Yay me.
One thing that�s really changed about me in the last few years... Concern. Specifically, a lack of it. Now I went through a period, a crazy ass period, where I was basically surrounded by sluts. I was wading in sluts. Most were strippers, or the type of guys who slept with all of them inciting all sorts of drama. That was the Ara and Sevog years. I was a tourist, I admit it. Never fully belonging to the group, but for some reason Ara and Sevog both took a strong liking to me and I got to ride shotgun in their little adventures for awhile.
Aside from the Ara and Sevog years though, I was always overly concerned with how people viewed me. I�m still mildly curious, don�t get me wrong, it�s fun picking peoples brains to see how they perceive you, but really I just don�t care. I wonder how true that statement is? I�m not sure. Something is different though, that�s for sure.
Does this have anything to do with this new found popularity? I hope not. It may, though.
But right now I don�t want to move. My friend is still in town, I�m a social butterfly, right? I�ll go out whenever for whatever reason.... right?? Well, fuck.. I�m just tired. Let me sleep. No, don�t.. but do, please. I�m a mess. I�ve got three offers to do things tonight, I�d like to do them all, but I won�t. I�d also like to throw my phone out of the window and sleep. Glorious, wonderful sleep. I�ve read about it, I hear it�s nice.
But even this isn�t all true. I really want to softly kiss a neck, run my fingers through fine delicate hair, and breath in an intoxicating scent. No, not really. I just want to feel warm ocean wind on my face and hear laughter.
The wonderful world of melancholy.
This is me, looking at you... pensive.
-G