I downloaded �Days Go By� - Dirty Vegas after seeing the video on VH1. Great video, really. The first part reminded me of San Francisco and the first time I went there with Susan. Wonderful times. It�s a good song, you all should get it (full vocal mix). Also very reminiscent of clubs I used to visit. Low, brooding, beautiful. �Days go by and still I think of you, days when I couldn�t live my life without you... without you...�
Shit, I just realized I missed Sacrilege again. Fuckity fuck. That�s alright, I�m being reclusive. I even noticed I was studying the concrete as I walked today. I haven�t done that in a long time. Maybe it�s the miserable shape my grandmother is in lately. Restless Leg Syndrome resulting in sleepless nights, a torn rotator cuff causing endless agony, an allergic reaction to every pain medication they give her. What I�d do to ease her burden...
Oh hell, I remember this beat, from... whiskey sky? Yes, sitting out near the pool. Was that it? I believe so. It still brings back memories of a small place, crowded with the ugliness of strangers, the beauty of unassociated faces.
Blaise talks about new people and her typical disdain for them. Some of her points are relatively compelling. But taking a completely un-fatalistic/pessimistic/cynical view (big leap, I know), there is something romantic about a stranger. Unbiased. Even if they could become your most hated enemy, that�s still... romantic. A face holds so many possibilities with it. Pain? Happiness? At the very worst, boredom. I love meeting new people yet I�m terrified of new people. Current friends are comfortable, I won�t compare them to old shoes because everyone compares them to old shoes. How about... that favorite stretch of road in the country.. so well known, still loved.. every once in awhile it�s a little stormy.
I don�t know how to make friends anymore. I really don�t. If someone doesn�t take the initiative then it will never be. It�s a factor of unknown expectations. Completely fuck meeting anyone of the opposite sex, no way. Unless they are assertive, friends of friends, or required to be in contact with for some reason, forget about it. Which, I really hate that mentality. It�s so... unromantic.
Even though I�m terrified of meeting new people, I still enjoy strangers. They haven�t pissed me off, hurt me, made me laugh, made me cry, thought I was smart, or thought I was an idiot. Maybe that�s why I keep them strangers. I like them better that way. Terrifyingly beautiful.
I had a dream of a girl, I don�t know her.. she had chopsticks in her hair, was wearing leather pants and a blood red shirt. Black hair, gray eyes. How I loved her.
�Days go by and still I think of you, days when I couldn�t live my life without you... without you...�
I don�t know what to say to strangers, I have nothing to say to anyone new. I�ve no desire to discuss my recent musings about love, and the fact that it isn�t blind. I can have normal conversations with my friends because I have a background. Small talk is a skill I once possessed, still possess but have no desire to use.
I do love finding out about people, though. I just never feel like sharing. Which is pretty fucking amusing considering I write for hours on end to perfect strangers via this strange little medium. Maybe it�s my self centeredness actualized.
I need to stop writing this shit, no ones going to read this far down anyway.
Wait a second, why am I writing a diary? For me, yes.. I think. (sigh)
I miss it, god damnit, I miss it.