I�ve been rolling on waves of emotion and delight that could not last, eventually they would break upon a rocky shore.. This is the reason I have been hesitant to write these past few days, it was only temporary. The universe is a harsh businessman and I�m paying the price for my idolatry.
So now I must create. I must create angry, beautiful and empty things. Even the price has a boon that I must capitalize on. Pessimism vs. Realism, you decide. Either way I remain willful to continue to the final act. Fortitude. I curse this human condition.
People are continually impressed by me, I wonder if they would feel the same way if they too saw the shadows within. Like I said.. there is a price for everything. I can not, I must not dream tonight. The childhood fears lurk just under the surface, silliness to be sure but not so silly when you can�t tell.
�Hug me till you drug me, honey;
Kiss me till I'm in a coma;
Hug me, honey, snuggly bunny;
Love's as good as soma."
How I tire of the endless climbing and stumbling. How lonely it is up high. I curse the climber. I again grow tired of the lies.
This black mood will, of course, subside. It will leave behind another layer of varnish. The next deal to be bought and paid for, of course, will be that much more difficult and that much more lucrative. This is the way the game is played. I�ve known this since I was a child and yet I still resent it. How I want to tear it all down and throw it all away. How I aspire to be free...
To be serious but not sober?
-G
4:04am
Awoken. Mind burning, white hot. Blurring. Three hours? I weep. Can�t I find any rest, any solace, among these burning embers? No..
Welcome to me.
The years march on and I grow weary and sullen. The child in me is crying, to be born to a world of beauty and see sadness. King Lear (Shakespeare) says "When we are born, we cry that we are come To this great stage of fools."
My friend, Kelly, sent me a poem at 3:18am. I�m not sure why, to be honest. She doesn�t read the diary so it has nothing to do with this, but yet, there it is. I�m going to publish it without her permission.
Fly away, Fly away
Take off into the sky
Try again, Try again
Let the past just slip away
Fly away, Fly away
Never give up on your dreams
Try again, Try again
That the sun will rise again
Fly away, Fly away
Believe with all your might
Try again, Try again
That tomorrow is worth all your love
What a very odd thing to get at 3:18 in the morning, and this morning... Thank you, Kelly.
My head hurts. I�m going to go ensure I sleep at least 6 more hours.
-G