Me? Have a chip on MY shoulder? Nooooooooooooo.

I�m perfectly fucking fine.

Nothing like waking up in a bathtub with the shower on, fully clothed. I�ve got a score to settle with someone or something and I need to deal with the angst now, it�s getting on my nerves. I�m too damned angry at everything.

So I went out with Erica and a local painter (art, not houses), Mike. I liked Mike, he yelled at me a lot and called me ignorant and stupid. Instant winner in my book and no, I�m not being facetious. I genuinely liked the guy. I mean, he�s an arrogant and cocky old bastard, but I can appreciate that. Of course, he told the entire universe around us that my true intentions with regards to Erica was �To get into her pants and that I�m only posing as a best friend until I achieve those goals�, or something to that effect. That was pretty funny although, not entirely accurate.

Yes, of course.. I adore Erica. She has a lot of qualities that I would naturally seek in a companion but that doesn�t mean I�m just out to bang her. That was kinda insulting but the guy was making the obvious call in the situation. I�d probably have said the exact same thing if things were reversed. Typical guys do that sort of shit. She�s also young (not that I�m all that old or wise or anything, I make no illusion). She needs to spend an extended period of time single to figure out who she is. She�s still has a ways to go before she grows up in that respect but she�s headed in a good direction. Now, give her 5-10 years and the same situation? May be a different story, who knows? But not now, no. It�s even difficult for me, at times, to understand the barrier there, isn�t that what makes wonderful couples? Best friends, mutual interests, physical attraction, all that? Maybe on paper, just doesn�t work out like that in function sometimes.

But still.. for some reason, I was just pissed off. Not overtly, but seething on the inside without any real target for the anger. I�m sure a lot of it is bitterness. My own personal failure, as I see it. My bitterness at the world can taint and ruin a lot of things, especially when I lose control. Yes� it very much has to do with control. Until very recently, I never knew I was such a control freak in regards to my emotions. Logic must rule my emotions, above all else, and being an emotional person this can be a daunting task at times.

So that�s really what this is about, bitterness. Only child type stuff you read about. The world doesn�t work the way I think it should and I stamp my feet and shake my fist and rage. Yes, I too have a lot of growing up I need to do.

It�s a pity, really. What could I be if I can shake off this mantle of frustration and bitterness? Uncaring? I wonder� That�s my first guess. I get frustrated and upset because I care, so can I just let it all slide? It doesn�t matter, not really, so let it all go? I dunno, maybe. I know I care much less about many things now then when I was younger. It�s almost happening so fast that I can clock the degeneration.

Of course, the first step was losing God. Coming to that sort of realization in a world full of people that refuse to or don�t want to can be a terribly frightening thing. One more way to separate yourself from the world around you (it�s no wonder many children/teens feel like they are on the outside looking in, it�s all standard stuff).

The next step was losing my naivety, which was Susan. It�s no big secret that I�m harboring a broken heart. But it�s more then a broken heart, it�s a broken ideology. The death of romance, as it were. At least, romance as packaged and sold by popular media. This one love that I had built up in my dreams was all meant for her and it damn near ruined me when it was discarded without any real care. That romance, that love was what I had used to replace God with. Or more accurately, that �ideal� of love is what was used to temporarily fill the God shaped hole.

I don�t have anything to replace God with now and for that, I am bitter.

I�m not so much jaded about relationships as I could have been. I have Lyndsay and another to thank for that, at least in a way. These people honestly cared for me and actually gave me affection on a consistent basis. So, at least in that, I know it�s possible that someone will again love me, as dramatic as that may sound.

But yet I�m surrounded by things that make me go on self righteous tirades like last entry. My useless raging at a world I can�t agree with. Yes, perhaps I just care too much. Is that why I so desire to go on these long sojourns in foreign lands, completely alone? I find the desire amusing since even now I bitch about how alone I am and I have a handful of people around me that do actually care. Go figure.

Eh.. I�m just a 27 year old kid who needs to grow up, I suppose. Question, though� will that make me more bitter?

-G

P.S. Grandma, in large part, is doing better. I sat and read to her for a few hours yesterday. She no longer thinks I�m some Marine trained lunatic out to rip off her bandages. She does have a touch of pneumonia, however, which may prevent her from being home for Christmas. Not to mention sores in her mouth, bed sores, and sores where the oxygen nose piece is. Just wanted to update since it�s pretty self absorbed to be whining and moaning about my existential dilemma when she�s laying miserable in a hospital bed.